Thursday, October 15, 2015

I'm making time for this post

As you can tell, I am not a consistent blogger (say whaatttt?!).  I admire those who are and think that it takes serious dedication to post even weekly.  As an out of the home full time working mom I tend to fill up my time quickly collapsing exhausted into bed every night.  Or falling asleep on the couch only to be told to go to bed by my dear husband (who probably doesn't want to hear me complain about my crappy couch sleep).  It's been even more full as I am 36 weeks pregnant as of today (and slightly terrified of my exciting new life change soon).

I often start posts and leave them unfinished in my drafts because I haven't gathered enough pictures or found anything to pretty it up, so there can be weeks where I post nothing.  It bothers me but I usually get over it quick because I've busied myself with my next task of: work, normal house duties or trying to get ready for the new baby with the limited time (and energy) I've allotted myself.  Today, I decided that whether I put pictures in this post or not doesn't matter, what matters is that I wrote and posted it.

This blog is something that I write because I like to.  It is the things that I felt were worth sharing.  Sure, there are plenty of people who will never understand it and wonder why would anyone put "their business" out there but you know what?  I don't care.  I used to be one of those people.  As, I grow and evolve as a person I understand more and more of why people do what they do (even if I don't agree with it).

With that said, October 15th is two things to me.  First it is the day extended individual tax returns are due.  As a former tax accountant there are a few dates in your head that you never forget and this is one of them.  Second, it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  It wasn't until this year that I learned there was an actual day dedicated to it.  I was aware that October was a month that had been dedicated to it but not an actual day.

Today, I choose to recognize this day.

It has been almost three years since we lost our first baby.  The more pregnant I become and the closer I become due with this child the more I think about him.  Pregnancy is a funny thing for me.  The more pregnant I am the more I miss certain people in my life, my first baby and my dad.  It's weird to think about those that are no longer here because I often wonder how my life would be different if they were here.

Whenever people ask me about my pregnancy and baby number two I always feel like I've cheated my first baby.  This is my third pregnancy.  It is hard to explain to people when you've lost a child or a pregnancy that you really have more kids.  I find it especially hard because after this pregnancy is over, I will have birthed and held three of our children but one of them never cried in my arms.  But how do you explain that to someone who's asking such an innocent question?  You don't.

You just know in your head and heart how you feel.  It's a pang of guilt that you just lied.  It's like my first son never was.  I denied his existence and guilt washes over me.

Telling the world that you've lost a child is like being let into a secret society that you knew existed but you don't know who's in it and it is never spoken of until you are in.  Once you've been accepted then you find all these people who have experienced the similar stories to yours.  The heartbreak is the same, the guilt is the same and the words that others said to you in an effort to comfort your are for the most part the same.  It feels less alienating to me when I know someone can relate.  The part that always gets me is the fact that it seems taboo to talk about to others.  Almost like you'll put a bad omen on all pregnancies, current and future, because you've said words that no one wants to hear.

I choose to ignore that today because we are so far from being alone in the loss of a pregnancy or a child.  There are others who feel this way.

Today, my heart and thoughts of peace in others' hearts goes out to anyone who's lost a child.

There is no name for us because no matter what we are parents.

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