Friday, January 9, 2015

Flashback Friday: I'm a mom of a one month old

I have never participated in #FlashBackFriday via Instagram or any other social media source but I thought why not start doing a #FBF via this blog.  I always feel like addressing a single memory via a picture just wasn't enough for me.  I need some context and a good story to go along with that picture.  I want more!  Call me demanding but I want more!!

So let's travel back in time to this squishy face

When I rewind to one year ago today I was probably lying on the couch for most of the day nursing my tiny little girl terrified that it was too cold in our drafty old house with 12 degree weather outside for her.  Terrified also that she could somehow roll over and suffocate in the blanket that I shouldn't have on her (for safety reasons) in our much too cold house.  Terrified that I would wake her worrying about if she'd wet her diaper and been in it too long.  Worried that she wasn't getting enough milk.  The list of things that could have been going wrong or that I thought I'd already done wrong could go on and on...

Although I'd been around little ones for my entire life, I've never really been responsible for a little one as small and young as she was without supervision for so long.  There was quite a bit of uncertainty in my brain at that time.  One of the biggest things was that I really wanted breastfeeding to workout and it was; it wasn't without pain or frustration and sometimes tears on occasion.  There were times that I wanted to give up so bad but couldn't bring myself to do that because I had convinced myself when I was pregnant that I was going to breastfeed.

I remember my irrational brain thinking I wish I could just spit in her mouth to give her something to fill her belly (for the record I never did!) so she'd stop nursing and my rational brain thinking, "have you completely fallen off your rocker?  Listen here crazy lady, just take a deep breath it is only temporary pain and this is what you wanted!  You were the one that was all 'I'm going to breastfeed.  No formula.  It can't be that hard'"  The only reason that I couldn't bring myself to give her formula or a bottle was that I hadn't done the research on what kind of formula to give her and I didn't want to cause nipple confusion causing her to not efficiently nurse.  Sometimes reading everything isn't the best thing... I sometimes do a little too much research.  I digress.

Back to what I was doing on the snowiest season in Michigan history...

I had eight weeks maternity from work and at four weeks in I was already worried that it was going too fast.  I couldn't imagine leaving the tiny human being that had been given to my family with anyone else family or not.  She was too small, too delicate, and mine (again I'm selfish).

A good portion of my morning was probably watching 19 Kids and Counting.  I had a lot of time just sitting with my daughter nursing so there was a lot of time to get into many different television series'.  In addition to the Duggar's I watched: Boardwalk Empire, Game of Thrones, The Wire, Treme, Banshee, Black Sails, and a few more that I didn't keep up with after or couldn't really get into.  As the snowiest winter in Michigan history there were way too many days where driving or getting out of the house wasn't the most advisable activity (although there were a few times where I begged my brother to come pick me up while my husband was at work just so I could get out of the house.  He's a great brother).

Even today I think, "Oh, my goodness, I am a mother.  Someone calls me mom and I am responsible for that little person."  I know that I made a conscious decision with my husband to have a child and that is one of the things that I have already dreamed of my entire life.  It is still terrifying to think that this little person is totally relying upon her parents best efforts.  I could never be so thankful for having her.  She is such a joy and blessing (a word I don't use lightly) to my family and especially me that I could not be happier that she went from that goofy looking little thing to this cute little momma (yes, I'm totally biased!!!).

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